But Not For Me

isn't it amusing
when things turn out the way you plan them?
isn't it amazing?
I'm just what you expected
cause we've been lying here for years
with our ears to the ground
to evaporate like water
from this wonder we have found
wondering who could ever break this brain chain
wondering what could ever stop this gravy train
& perhaps it is time I quit derailing mine
cause I've come to conclude that there is life here

isn't it preposterous
the things we do to get attention?
isn't it precarious?
I'm aching in your direction
cause we've been in this room for hours
empty words, empty hands
screaming it in silence
hoping neither understands
hoping we can bury our hearts in the dirt
hoping we drop it & no one gets hurt
& perhaps it is time that I let go of mine
cause I've come to conclude that there is beauty here

isn't it ridiculous
how soon we become enchanted?
isn't it really just like us?
me taking us for granted
cause I've been in a haze for days
phasing out beneath your skin
a fingerprint moment
when your icy face gives in
but I gave in to your agate worldview
& all you ever gave me was the stomach flu
& perhaps it is time I took back what was mine
cause I've come to conclude that there is love here

I'd find a way to keep you
& keep our distance strong
if only I could keep you without knowing you were wrong
I'd find a way to hold you
in memory & such
if I could only hold you without having to be touched

isn't it a crime
how fast our world has turned around again?
isn't it about time?
we couldn't lose, I couldn't win
cause so many things end in spring
with the motion of poetry
& I've sung so many sad songs
I'm expecting a tragedy
it's in your hands & I expect it's in your heart
it's in your eyes when you tell me
"don't you think maybe you & me should spend some time apart?"
& perhaps it is time that I found it in mine
cause I've come to believe there is a whole new world here...
But Not For Me.

Written: Spring 2000, age 17.
Saying goodbye to a relationship before it's really begun.
God this song is depressing...